Go Fast, Young Plumber
by NuclearCookout
Summary: What started as a dull day rapidly became a pulse-pounding, explosive, Matrix-style race against time as Mario competed with Wario to see who could reach the grocery store first. -Contains action/violence-


Go Fast, Young Plumber

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A belch resounded from Mario's throat as he sat languidly on his couch and watched infomercials on the large-screen television in front of him. It was ten in the morning, and he was bored out of his mind as nothing, as usual, was going on. He would've been spending time with Peach, but she was attending a conference on a recent string of bank robberies, and Mario was left at the castle all alone, save for a few servants doing their rounds.

After switching over to a news channel, a commercial broke into the program. The solicitor proudly announced that there was a big sale at The Double Half-Dollar Store, and urged all to come on down before the sale ended at noon. Mario's eyes widened with enthusiasm, and he excitedly leapt up from the couch. Unfortunately, he overdid the jump and smacked his head on the ceiling, resulting in a loud 'bonk' and a painful bruise. After landing on and shattering the table between the couch and the television, he got up, dusted himself off, and rushed outside to his car. He fumbled with his keys for a few moments before opening the door, and sat upon the cushy leather seat. The plumber smiled as he started the vehicle, and chuckled as his favorite political commentator began speaking over the radio. Though he was pleased, it could not bring him what he desired at the moment - rock music. He quickly changed the station and pulled out of the driveway, bobbing his head to the enlivening tunes as he sped somewhat carelessly onto the main road.

At the same time, Wario, who had also seen the commercial, was sailing down the road in an even greater rush to reach the store before the ravenous hordes could gather there. The two similarly-named individuals came upon an intersection at the same time, and stopped side-by-side after the light changed to red. As they impatiently tapped on their steering wheels, their eyes met simultaneously.

Time essentially stopped.

Through each other's steely gaze, they knew precisely what the other was up to, and took up an ironclad resolve to prevent the other from achieving victory. They slowly turned their eyes toward the light, and revved their engines in eager anticipation. The other drivers became aware of what was about to happen, and slowly put their vehicles into reverse.

They shot off like rockets when the light turned green, leaving a thick cloud of vaporized rubber in their wake. It didn't take long for them to come upon a one-lane entrance ramp to a multi-lane freeway, and they knew that both of them wouldn't make it through. They increased their speed while they dodged other vehicles as best they could, though scrapes were common, and kept it up until the turn was to be made. Wario attempted to ram Mario's car off the road, but Mario slowed down, allowing Wario to overshoot and collide with a concrete barrier, obliterating his vehicle. Mario's car jumped the small rise on the transition to the freeway, and he breathed a sigh of relief.

This relief was cut short when Wario, who launched himself through the roof of his car before it was destroyed, landed on a vehicle a few spaces behind the red-clad plumber. His landing caused the car to bend in the middle as the front blossomed-out from his tremendous weight, and he leapt onto the roof of another car as the one he was just on flipped back-over-front and slammed into the following motorists, exploding moments later. A sadistic grin traveled across his broad face as he ripped the top off and subsequently chucked the hapless, screaming Toad driver into the opposite side of the freeway, leading to another fiery and explosive wreck. He then took control of the stolen vehicle and continued his pursuit, breathing heavily and drooling slightly as the adrenaline rush coursed its way through his veins.

Awestruck by Wario's unfaltering, brutal - and indeed, psychotic - determination, Mario increased his speed further and weaved his way between the preceding vehicles, eyes wide with both fear and sheer will. The store was beginning to draw near, with only five minutes of driving remaining. Despite his efforts, Wario caught up and proceeded to ram Mario's car, laughing insanely all the while, hoping to make it veer over the median and into oncoming traffic. The plumber struggled to keep the car steady, and when the open median was bifurcated by a concrete wall, Wario swerved to the side and rammed Mario's car again, causing it to grind across the coarse partition. He kept his adversary's vehicle sandwiched between his car and the partition in the hopes of either abrading it beyond use, or keeping it in place until the partition ended, thereby allowing him to accomplish his previous plan. Much to his delight, the barrier simply decreased in height as they approached a large network of overpasses, meaning he could simply send Mario's vehicle soaring through the air like a missile. The mere thought caused his eyelid to flinch with glee.

Mario knew what he had to do.

Once the partition was low enough to allow his car to fly over the edge, he shot up through the roof and landed on top of Wario's vehicle. However, his landing was flawed, and he rolled to the lid of the trunk, barely catching himself. Mario's car jumped the edge as they began their ascent up the tall overpass, and flew into a propane storage facility a few hundred feet away, resulting in a massive fireball. Wario was too busy laughing to notice that his enemy was climbing on the back of his car, and only when Mario began to punch his way through the back windshield was his attention drawn. He couldn't swerve around too much as they sped over the huge arch; he didn't want his new ride to meet the fate of Mario's. Instead, he pulled out a dagger and tried desperately to ward the plumber off. Mario reciprocated the action, pulling out his own knife and having at it.

They made it safely over the bridge, allowing Wario to focus more of his attention to his adversary. This proved to be foolish, because he failed to notice a large shredded truck tire in the road. The collision caused the vehicle to lose control, speed across the median and into oncoming traffic. Wario began to suspect something was wrong when Mario took his eyes off of him and started screaming. Wario turned his full attention to the road ahead, and saw to his horror an eighteen-wheeler barreling toward them. Adding to the already dire problem, the truck was hauling a huge tank filled with liquid petroleum gas. He immediately swerved out of the way, missing it by less than an inch, but the incident caused the truck's terrified driver to jackknife the big rig, leading to a deadly multi-car pileup and the subsequent detonation of the tank's contents. The blast created a deafening shockwave and a very brief vapor ring, and vehicles were sent soaring in all directions; some into the adjacent lanes, some into the opposite lanes, and some into the surrounding neighborhoods and business districts. Not only did Wario have to avoid a head-on collision, he had to avoid massive flaming projectiles.

After many evasive maneuvers, Wario finally found an opening and drove to the correct side of the freeway, and both he and Mario took some time to gather their bearings. However, the car disintegrated when a vehicle, propelled by the petroleum blast, landed directly in front of them. The two were launched into the air, and remained airborne for a good while before they landed atop one of two trailers being pulled by a large semi. They slowly got to their feet after laying there for a short while, and the two looked around, attempting to analyze what had just occurred.

They locked eyes yet again.

Without hesitation, they grabbed their daggers once more and unleashed their fury upon one another. They slashed, dodged, parried and thrust, sending sparks everywhere and drawing the attention of nearby drivers. Mario eventually kicked Wario closer to the front of the trailer, where he lost his weapon and fell through the roof, coming to rest upon a crate inside the large compartment. The plumber rubbed his moustache with his forearm and followed him inside with a faint grin, hoping to finish the job that had been started. Wario rolled out of the way of Mario's descent, allowing the smaller but still heavy man to flatten the damaged box and tumble to the floor. He looked down upon his enemy, smiled, and clenched his fists in preparation for another attack. The fact that he was without a weapon meant that he could rely solely on brute force, something he was very accustomed to, and indeed, enjoyed the most. Mario, also without a dagger at that point, moved his head to the side as a huge fist nearly sent it through the floor. He jumped to his feet and responded with a flurry of blows, but they didn't do much against Wario's staggering strength. The yellow hat-clad behemoth simply swatted Mario to the front of the trailer, knocking him silly for a few moments. He lumbered toward him with an enormous toothy grin, planning to plow him through the floor and onto the road below. Mario dodged the attack again, and Wario's fist struck the floor with enough force to dislodge the preceding trailer's dolly, causing it to detach from the rig altogether and skid across the freeway. The successive motorists panicked, and yet another explosive pileup resulted.

Sparks flew as the trailer scraped across the freeway, plowed over various signs and skidded across a parking lot. It finally came to rest after it slammed into the side of a building, sending all of its contents through the front and into the structure. Mario and Wario, both dazed considerably, crawled out from under the debris and slowly observed their surroundings. They had crashed into The Double Half-Dollar Store.

Coolly, they stood, dusted themselves off, grabbed some shopping carts, and carried on as though nothing had happened.

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Author's note: This story resulted from a quick bout of inspiration I had yesterday. Hopefully you enjoyed reading, and please leave a comment if you did!

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Super Mario characters and places are copyright of Nintendo.

The story/etc is copyright of myself, NuclearCookout.


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